It's the Grantomime!
The audience is chattering excitedly in the auditorium. They can't wait for the show to begin. This year the URC players are presenting "Snow Caucasian and the 7 persons of restricted growth- a PC Panto".
Suddenly, the lights fade- an expectant hush fills the room...the band strikes up...the overture consists of a joyous medley of tribal chants and whale music.
The curtain rises- we see a mirror...it speaks to us
"Audience , audience in the hall
I am the mirror on the wall.
I'll be here on stage all night
To see that things are done just right.
No panto dames or racist jokes
No boys as girls, or girls as blokes.
No laughter at another's expense
Nothing to cause the slightest offense
For this will be a PC Show
For Hannukah Diwali and pagans also.
So let's bring on our lovely Queen...
She's not a witch, cos that would be mean
She's menopausal, and that's a fact
And sometimes speaks with little tact..."
...enter the misunderstood Wicca Queen who turns to the mirror and says...
* This Post Has Been Modified *
Witch: "Oh, I'm bored stiff. Deal Or No Deal's finished, I've nothing new on my iPod and Biggins won "I'm a Celebrity" (J was robbed). What's a girl to do...?" I know, I'll compare myself to a few random people (dusts off mirror.)
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
Mirror: "They are all equal."
Witch: "What? They can't be!"
Mirror: "They are all equal."
Witch: "OK, then, which supermodel did you prefer: Cindy Crawford or Elle McPherson."
Mirror: "I'd have had either as my desktop background."
Witch: "But which did you prefer?"
Mirror: "They are equal."
Mirror: "We all have the same genepool. Some are merely arranged differently to others."
Witch: "We'll get nowwhere at this rate! OK then, we'll try something objective. Who has been on the most roller coasters in the land?"
Witch: "Tell me, you fool!"
Mirror: "A girl named Snow Caucasian."
Witch: "Right, tell me where she lives! I've ridden more woodies than her!"
Mirror: She lives many golden miles from here in a politically correct place beyond where the River Caves flow.
You will find her deep within the depths of Magic Mountain smack in the centre of Beaver Creek..
Queen: Right, where are my henchmen? Richie! Eddie!
(Bottom theme tune plays as Richie and Eddie swagger on stage, Richie in his trademark Y-fronts.)
Eddie: You called, Ma'aaaam?
Queen: Yes. I want you to go and find a girl named Snow Caucasian. She lives in Beaver Creek.
Richie: Oh yeah, what's in it for us?
Queen: You have to do as I say! You work for me!
Mirror (interjects): Actually, Richie and Eddie haved joined the Fairyland Union, and thus have a right to refuse any task they don't agree with.
Queen: Why did I ever hang you on the wall?!! Oh, alright. Take her to Infusion. You'll get a free ride out of it too.
Richie: Right, so where is this Beaver Creek? And where is Infusion?
Queen: They're both in Blackpool. Now get to it!
Eddie: Right, I suppose we'd better get to it, Richie.
Richie: What, right here? But we're both men! Eddie, you disgusting...! Oh! Oh ho ho! I see what you mean!
Eddie (to audience): Wally (makes rude gesture towards Richie.)
Richie: No, Eddie, I've got a better idea. I've heard this Snow Caucasian is top totty! If we play our cards right, we could score!
Eddie: You really think so, Richie?
Richie: I'm as sure of it as I know my name is Richard Richard! Besides, Infusion. Blackpool. It's not like there could be any confusion, is there...?
(Bottom tune plays. Lights fade out.)